#15 Practicing Tough Love
Since I discovered this expression some years ago, I’ve been intrigued and appreciative that such a concept exists!
Bill Milliken, a Christian minister working with at-risk youth in New York’s lower East Side, wrote the book “Tough Love” in 1968. Since then, Americans have used this expression in the common vernacular, and it has been promoted in education and management.
Why am I so enthusiastic about it? Because this expression reminds us of 2 essential things regarding relationships:
- Pleasing people doesn’t always equal helping them
- We are responsible for uplifting or weakening someone’s abilities by our own way of interacting with them
Tough Love: Two words that mean so much more than what each of them alone signify.
This relatively recent concept is actually defined by the Collins dictionary as: “The practice of being very strict with someone in order to help them overcome a problem with their behavior.”
4 points about practicing Tough Love:
- In an AUTHENTIC Tough Love practice, “Love” must be the source, while “Tough” is the way to serve it. Not the other way around.
Tough love is a compelling state of mind that takes place only in a loving and caring relationship.
- If there is no love to start with, using the expression tough love is abusive and a despicable excuse to make your harshness acceptable.
- Tough Love doesn’t mean “I love you IF…”. Using Tough Love as a tool to make someone satisfying your personal needs is dishonoring what tough love is (special note for parents and bosses here).
- Neither a Love-Love nor a Tough -Tough combination can bring the subtle complexity that Tough Love is offering.
Contrast is the key factor that enables us to tap into the best of each element, synergizing them in order to fulfill a superior interest of empowerment.
Being exclusively nice and comforting or exclusively strict and cold is not necessarily the most effective path to help someone pull their things together and achieve their goals.
This is why it is not easy for friends, lovers or family to be of effective assistance when it involves a loved one.
Whereas, to a certain extent, we coaches are trained to implement Tough Love for the benefit of our clients, thanks to the precious work of the humanistic approach in psychology developed by Carl Rogers. - Tough Love invites us to be demanding. Being demanding is one of the highest marks of respect and trust that you can show to a person: “I believe in you” is the message you send them.
However, some could say here that it can put too much pressure on the most fragile individuals and activate some inner negative thoughts about their ability to make it.
But still:- a) it doesn’t suppress the positive impact for knowing that someone in this world believes in you in the first place.
- b) help them instead to stop nourishing their inner negative thoughts and start embracing their magnificence.
We humans naturally desire to reach the expectations we face. People tend to uplift themselves and match the standards no matter how high or low the bar.
Set the bar high for the people you care about - empower them and support them.
And… love them anyway, regardless of their performance.
And… show them this is love, by never giving up on them.
- What about Tough Love and “Unconditional Love”?
These may sound almost paradoxical if not contradictory, right?
And yet, they compliment each other. We can marry both unconditional love and tough love. How?
1. Never disconnect from their own long term desires, regardless of your personal point of view.
2. Don’t let them compromise themselves with short-term satisfactions.
3. Don’t expect any appreciation and even prepare yourself for rejection.
This is unconditional love in action: “I love you so much that I don’t care if you don’t love me in return.”
Now;
- Who around you would benefit from your Tough Love?
- Who is suffering from your not-so-genuine Tough Love?
We all are tightrope walkers in this area; no one can state they are doing it perfectly, and nothing can be taken for granted ever.