#24 Change: A Monologue
“I don’t like the way you keep treating me. How can I change?”
You read that right. No, there aren’t any typos in this dialogue, because this isn’t a dialogue.
There is nothing missing from this two-sentence sequence.
That is exactly the point: this short and empowering quotation must be a monologue.
Every day we witness many of these classic frustrating scenarios, wherein, regardless of who is involved, the lines seem rehearsed and everyone is off-book.
A perfect example (Warning: Barnum-ish Effect ahead), your parents.
The recurrent and totally unproductive interactions in the perennial disputes between your mother and father – 30+ years later, zero creativity, reproaches are exactly the same... laziest scriptwriters ever (replace “mother and father” by the actors of any long-term relationship).
Here’s a bone to chew on: you surely have one relationship (personal or professional) in which you are not only not satisfied, but you feel stuck in a reoccurring scheme.
Think of someone who often makes you think “It’s always the same with her/him. She/he is incapable of change. The problem isn’t me, it’s them.”
Have a name in mind?
Now you’ve got your bone.
The good news here is that change IS (still) possible.
I can say this because, even without the details of the relationship you’re thinking of, regardless of who you chose, they are irrelevant to the change you want to impulse. It starts with you.
When you offer them an other you, they cannot respond as the old them.
- “WHAT?! Why is it on me to change?
This is usually the reaction I get at this point. And here is indeed where the real drama unfolds.
First, it is on YOU to do something simply because YOU are being annoyed by it – Right? If you don’t care, that’s okay, skip it. But if you do care, you have no choice but to take charge of it.
Secondly, if you keep thinking they have to change first, I can tell you that you’re burying yourself in a never-changing story. This is the mindset of a victim who feels “rightly” entitled to acknowledgement for the misconduct they may have suffered.
The problem is, you might be right – but you won’t achieve real change this way.
Now the true question is: Do you want to be right, or do you want the situation to change?
Confession: I haven’t managed yet to make my grandma Marie change her answer, she still proudly states that she prefers to be right. Period. (At least, she taught me long ago from her own example that fulfillment is a Decision, indeed. Thanks grandma!)
- Give yourself time and permission
Fine, their new response may not satisfy you either, I’ll give you that. But at least you’ll have turned the dial and created new conditions for another unfolding.
Now, the strategy is simple;
Change yourself (I said “yourself,” not “your plan” – don’t mix them up) until you find the sweet spot that will trigger the response you want.
Simple doesn’t mean easy.
Until doesn’t mean 3 tries.
Allow yourself to enjoy taking the shots while making some refreshing discoveries about them, and about you.
Sweet disclaimer; You’ll be challenged! You’ll have to stretch yourself far more than what you probably like. Which is usually why you prefer to change your plan rather than yourself.
Every time we blame someone’s interaction with us, let’s remind us that we always have the power to play differently in order to draw a different response to us. Here and only here is where our power lies, and where the sparkle of an improved relationship shines through.