#26 A Frankenstein problem
Last night a friend of mine got me mad. Really mad.
He didn’t stand me up.
He didn’t insult me, nor anyone I love.
He didn’t criticize my ideas or opinions on profound social questions, like how the world is evolving.
He didn’t lie to me.
…No, nothing like that.
Something worse: He tried to help me. He indeed shared with me some benevolent advice on what I should do and shouldn’t do to get to X – and X was supposedly an issue for me.
I do have 2 problems here.
- Problem 1: X isn’t a problem to me. Period.
After some debatable homemade reasoning of his own, he arrived at X by adding up some assumptions he’d made about me.
Assumption #1 (not verified) + Assumption #2 (Partially wrong) + Assumption #3(Almost right, but not right) + Assumption #4 (Projection from his personal and hurtful experience) = X, a Frankenstein problem he considered was mine, and tried to sell me!
- Problem 2: Now my problem is that I have a friend who feels entitled and in charge of resolving for me a no-problem to me.
Well, thanks buddy !
This kind of mismatch happens more than we think. Let’s be honest here, we’ve experienced it from both sides; sometimes we are on the (supposed) problem-holder’s side, and more often we are on the (supposed) solution-provider’s side.
That’s human. We want to help others by enlightening their path, using our own experience that we are so proud of.
This utterly upsetting moment reminds me of 5 healthy principles we should remind ourselves of anytime we feel the temptation to “help” others:
- Is my friend/partner/colleague/client/relative ready to welcome my personal advice (despite my sincere care for them)? If not, how can I create this space?
- Is he/she asking for it? Did I ask for permission?
- What are my assumptions based on? How did I check their validity first?
- Is X indeed a problem for him/her? How is he/she considering X at the moment?
- Why did I think X was a problem in the first place? Is this a projection and if so, where does it come from?
- But Jeanne, what if I’m dead sure that he/she is blind to this problem I’ve diagnosed and that it is my duty to open his/her eyes?
- Oh boy, oh boy… Go for it then.
But, do it well: start by answering all the questions above. Secondly, don’t be attached to the result, consider your words as a gift you offer, and don’t expect any gratefulness for it either - at least not in that moment.
No matter how clever you are, you can’t just “connect the dots” when it comes to interpreting people’s behaviors or feelings. Because the dots you connect are rarely the dots they experience.
You have a one-in-a-million chance of being right.
When I say “right”, I mean right in the nuances and details that must be honored. Like how the stars’ positions are right.
Because when you are not this kind of right, you’re labelling and pigeonholing people. Some people might be okay with that, but not everybody, and surely not me.
Analyzing people leads you to the most predictable and insidious pitfall; considering that you’ve understood who they are and what they need.
(If only…)
As a coach, let me offer you some perspective here, if you want to help them efficiently, your focus has to be on enabling them to understand themselves, and their issue, by themselves.
Stop analyzing people, they are not data. Instead, be curious and ask them questions to foster their awareness; here is your key to powerfully and accurately helping them.